You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
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