Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
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I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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