woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
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Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
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FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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