Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
it glows. i had to have it.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
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