did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
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I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
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