so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
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Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
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I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
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