I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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