i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
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In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
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My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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