I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I haven't been this sober since birth.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
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hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
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I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
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