when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
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She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
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All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
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