Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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