That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
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Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
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drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
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