The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
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