My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
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