I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
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