i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
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I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
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you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
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