When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
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