she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
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If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
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On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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