Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
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