We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
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I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
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Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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