he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
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Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
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Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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