I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
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