I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
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That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
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She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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