The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize