just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
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