just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
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you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
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Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
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