We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
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