Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
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Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
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We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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