she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
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In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
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I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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