Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
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I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
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Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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