my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
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She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
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