upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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