You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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