It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
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That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
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