My sheets look like a crime scene.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
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Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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