I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
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He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
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I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
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