I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
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I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
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No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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