On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
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Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
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I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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