AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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