i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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