when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize