I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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