So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
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what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
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Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
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