vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
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After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
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She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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