mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
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Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
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Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize