did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
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