i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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