I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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