We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
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I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
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Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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