Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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